Saturday, November 10, 2012

Bathroom Ballet

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed while blogging. Certain scenes in this blog might have subtle coincidence with The movie-‘Inception’ which is coincidental. Facts elucidated are 100% true with no intention of precipitating upon any personal. 

Bathroom, A room for bathing in containing a bathtub or a shower and optionally a toilet, a sink/hand basin/wash basin and possibly also a bidet. In North American English, a "bathroom" is commonly used as a euphemism for a room containing a toilet or possibly a public toilet (which, in the USA, is more commonly called a "restroom") “.

Of course we know right from rudimentary stages of our life what a bathroom is . A holy place where several Guinness and Limca records germinates. Leave alone our Singers, Dancers, stunt masters, all of them once would have been a bathroom hobbyist. Many great actors had their profile blossomed by the influence of bathroom scences.

Now my intention is not to market for Bathroom, its Proformas and credentials but an incident unlikely happened a couple of days before. This blog intentionally lessons its readers what should be done in times if in case what should not have happened, happens.
As usual let me articulate from my perspective.

04/11/2012   03:40 am. I was in the middle of my ‘third level’ dream. (Please don’t throw in your dexterous questions like how I remembered the time while dreaming)
I was strolling in Elliots beach, lingering my foot in the moist beach sand, got jaw opened by a gumtha* figure jogging in front. I fell in love-at-first-sight. I was approaching her, recollecting the dialogues from “Vettaiyadu Vilayadu(kamal proposing Kamalini Mukherji)”. As I was approaching her, I felt a sudden turbulent jerk. I was struck by a massive tsunami.

I woke up by a loud ‘thud’ by some no-one outside the streets. Having fed-up by the disturbances I decided to continue my dream from where I got kicked out. (It is practically possible to continue dreams by recapping the last remembered scenes and sleeping with the bed sheet enveloping).

03:45 am (fifth level dream. Place: Science and Humanities building, CEG )
I saw the same gumtha* meddling with her laptop, working hard, to connect to Anna Wifi. It was perfect time for me to approach her. Now I recapped dialogues from VTV as I was approaching her. Slowly I stood infront of her trying to reproduce what I had premeditated. I took a pendrive in-lieu of a rose trying to express my love. Suddenly the ground trembled with shock waves.

Once again I was awaken by a loud ‘thud’. This time I heard a furious thud. I tried to wake my friend , who was snoring near by, up. But my actions were in vain. I heard someone calling by my name.  It was less than two weeks I had seen PIZZA(tamil thriller movie). I got goose bumped by those continuous thuds. It was coming from the bathroom. My anxiety got tripled with many questions. 

What possibly could be in the bathroom at this time?
Is it girl the from the dream?
If it is so/ if it is not?

I went near the door and asked who was it from the other side?
Friend: Its me _______
Me: What are you doing in the bathroom? (I felt so stupid after asking this question, what possibly a person would do in a bathroom?)
Friend: I got stuck inside.
Me: Since when?
Friend: from 2 pm onwards.
Me: ( so you were the interruption in my dreams ) What shall we do now?
Friend: There should be a small rod which has fallen down when I slammed the door from inside. Find it. Fix it.
Me: I am searching, describe the rod.
Friend: its a small rod.
Me: (OH Great) SILENT
Friend: Have you found it?
Me: It is so overt. It’s covert.  
Friend: #$%^@#$%
Me: (sometimes word games doesn’t work well especially in the midnigth) SILENT.

After sometime.

Me: I found it.  

I fixed the screw in the keyhole and got the door opened. I just couldn’t control my laughter. I badly wanted to ask him“coffee sapteengalane, tiffin sapteengalane”. But I do have temperance with some human in it. Consoled the boy.

Me: you could have called some passer by, through the window, for help?
Friend: I did. With a kelavi (old lady) passing by, I gesticulated her the situation. Requested her to call to your number. But … unfortunately she didn’t had a cell phone. So she left the place.

Now for all those who raise their hands with the question “ Why a kelavi should be roaming in the middle of the night?”. Never mind, I was pondering with the same question but couldn’t dare to ask him. (goose bumped once again by PIZZA effect)

It was very difficult for me to continue dreaming after such incident. Neither I remembered her face nor could I sleep. So I started thinking what he should have done to avoid getting stuck in bathroom.
Step 1: SingSollamale yaar parthathu, nenjodu thaan poo poothathu….”. Infact the kelavi herself would have taken efforts to jump into the house, to open the door, to stop you from singing.
Step 2: Try to remember if any insurance policies, Providential funds taken in your name. Be happy do nothing. Rest will be taken care.
Step 3: Sleep inside bathroom. Wake up at 4:00 am. Tease any aunty who takes her morning walk. I am sure the uncle will open your bathroom door to bless you.
Step 4: Junglee jawani…never lock the door. Ofcourse this step is at the extreme risk of others. 

Prognosis: If your roommate suffers from cataract, night blindness, bipolar disorder, constipation then it is evident that Step 4 has been implemented.

*Gumtha: Homo sapiens who are highly voluptuous in nature, with perfect eccentricity prerequisite conditions (<  and > 1)  satisfied, is colloquially termed as Gumtha.

Courtesy: legends of CEG

Last but not the least. Answer this million dollor question.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


still u find time? then better start proceeding this blog!

Disclaimer: Sundari mentioned in this post is not to poke any 'Athiroopa Sundaris' in real time... this is just a real incident happened and I am cooking it with my ingredients added to serve u well... 

Contingency: It is my style of expressing 'real incidents' that might or might not have happened to me with an ' I ' perspective to entice readers.

It was another normal sunny weekday and I was engulfed amidst my busy schedule. I got a call from my friend (a gal ofcourse)

She: Hi how are you??

Me: Hello I am fine. What about you??

She: Where are you??

(The very moment when a gal never answers your question sequentially, u can very well guess that she is in trouble and she needs your help) 

Me: I am in office. You?

She: Look I need a favour?

Me: tell...

She: One of my friends from Bangalore is celebrating her birthday day after tomorrow. I wanna gift her something but I have to pay for it online. Need a net banker's help. So you pay for me now and ill repay u later.

Me: ofcourse I know tat. I will pay now. Tell me what to do?

She: I have ordered a dress for her. Jus login to Pothys, select the dress, pay and mail me the order details.

Me: Text me the site, user ID, password, shipping address, billing address, item description and others if any!

She: right away

Me: But I need her intro in return, deal?

She:(gave a silent pause proceeded by a 'hmm' to start) she is ENGAGED.

Me: ( S       I        L        E       N        T)

She: and she is getting married soon

Me: ( S            I                  L               E             N              T)

My mind was obsessed with fusillades of questions. My deal is scrapped ! Why should I help her? Questioned my ego.  Should I try further? goaded by testosterone. She is engaged  said the bloody inner s(hit)ubconcious.  So what en nanbanin nanban enakumnanban wont this be applicable for gals???

She: hello?!?

Me: hey I am leaving for an important meeting text me and I ll call u later

She: okay....

....with a small pause....

She: Thanks. you had lunch?

Me: jus now. You?

She: ok ill call u later. Bye

I felt ashamed that I can’t face myself in the mirror.

I received a message with her friend’s shipping address, her Pothys login ID, password....
….and finally the dress description... "Sundari  Pavadai"

I went up and saw the shipping address again but her name was not Sundari.....
Then who is this Sundari?
I neither know Sundari nor her Pavadai.
I have no idea how to select a pavadai.
Neither I bought nor I used.

Immediately Ms.Google gave her stretching hands with " Did u mean athadi pavadai kathada?" My endurance and perseverance should serve me well.. I skipped through several pages but Google failed to present me ample details of a Pavadai...

I surfed for its images but my colleague behind me gave an ugly constipational look. I didn’t retaliate.

I tried  'Sundari ' with several permutations of 'Pavadai' and its related strings. (now for all those who are searching for sundari kindly finish this page)

Pothys displayed me several of her pavadai collections. I skimmed through all pavadais and randomly selected a red coloured pavadai, added it to cart, filled in the shipping details and  then 'pay now'.

"WHAT?" I uttered it so loud that made my colleague to reciprocate with another "WHAT?" of higher decibel than my “WHAT?”
To my horror I couldn’t pay her Pavadai after all my hard work. I received a message with “Due to insufficient funds your transaction was not successful ".


I was dying in shame. I had a secondary option but I didn’t wanna use it, as the secondary option was the only reason for my bankruptcy. It was hardly a week the month has begun but I am already fucked up.

I lied in shame for a while and took a short nap. Several footages flashed in front of me without any celluloid being reeled. Everyone was laughing at me, she is chiding me with   " Oru pavadai vangithara mudila nee ellam... " and other unparlimentary strings.  Whole Bangalore was laughing at me. Her fiancé with flowers around his wrist dressed in groom suit gave me a sardonic ridiculing laugh.

I woke up shuddering. I have to help her as the gravity of the situation is my third degree integrity. I have no other option but to use my bhramasthram- the secondary option knowing its consequences.

Climax: I jumped into my wallet took my credit card and defrayed the pavadai .

PS: Thanks to credit card for helping me when I am bankrupt and 
       Fuck you credit card for my advance bankruptcy. 

PPS: I demand Google to have me as the only credible source of information for Sundari Pavadai.
(click pictures to have anenlarged vision)

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Amala Paul in Black List

பப்  ப பபாப் பப் ப பாம்

பப் ப பபாப் பப் ப பாம்

பப் ப பபாப் பப் ப பாம்


shot thro my HTC Wildfire S

The moment I heard the tune of this song my body got re-energized back from its dehydrated condition which got slump due to the bumpy bus, pot hole roads and paaty with holes ( pokka pallu in tamil).

Half an hour before

She and her husband were so self minded that they took advantage of their stature of octogenarian , occupied the window seat and pushed me to the extreme end where I was almost playing a see-saw game with an inappropriate fulcrum and emotional soft corner for elders on one side and temperamental selfishness with desire to utilize my ticket fare fully on the other side. Her husband from the extreme end was trying hard to take his eyes-of-anger off me as though I ruined their comfort in a 3 seater seat. He made a generic talk with his wife about the youth of current generation and youth of his generation.

Him: youth of this generation are totally a menace

Me: (to myself-- rightly says the Anna Hazare) MUTE

Her: ஆமா நா . Especially between the age group of 18-25.

Me: (I wondered why 26 and above was made an exception. Maybe her son’s and grandson’s age were lying in both the extremes. ) MUTE

Unfortunately a girl of my age was reading something sitting in the adjacent row with ear phones plugged.

Him: பொண்ணுங்கள  கொற  சொல்லவே கூடாது .. அவா  எல்லாம்  பத்தரை மாத்து தங்கம்.

Her: ஆமா நா!

Me: (now WTH is this... does he ever know the meaning of பத்தரை மாத்து ??) MUTE

Him: எவ்வுளவு  sincere ah படிக்கறா ?

Her: ஆமா நா

My anger on these octogenarians made me feel envious about the girl and that fostered me to peep into her reading.

Rajeshkumar novel- from header of right page
Marma Bangala- from header of left page“

I threw my sardonic smile upon the old man.

After several indefinite conversations a speed breaker gave me a call sheet for starring in their conversational feature. The moment I had a dash with her shoulder she started complaining about me to her husband. Her husband gave me a stare as though i did the biggest mistake in my life.

I was totally confused. Nobody is cuplable of taking the blame in this scenario. Neither the speed breaker nor the driver.

I started calculating the hours remaining for this hectic journey to end. I even started to tap my watch.

Half an hour later…. (television in bus)

பப் ப பபாப் பப் ப பாம்

பப் ப பபாப் பப் ப பாம்

பப் ப பபாப் பப் ப பாம்


The moment I heard the tune of this song my body got re-energized back from its dehydrated condition which got slump due to the bumpy bus, pot hole roads and paaty with holes ( pokka pallu in tamil).

I started shaking my head involuntarily and fingers tapping rhythmically to its beat. (I have no connection with Amala Paul in this ambit) I was enjoying the situation not only for her voluptuous movements and neither will I deny it. As time passes I started hearing a cacophonous verbal assail from the couple.

Him: Look how she is dressed? Look how she is showing?

Her: பெருமாணே..

Me: (அத ஏன் நீ பாக்ர?) MUTE

Him: look this guy is really enjoying it.

Her: இவா எல்லாம் மோசம்!

Me: (I was stupefied by her generic comment and slowly the amplitude of my shakings and tapings got reduced in a longitudinal fashion) MUTE

Him: என்ன பாட்டு இது? என்ன music இது?

Her: pee pee உதுராலாம்?

Me: (I wanted to blow a sangu) MUTE

Him: whats her name?

Her: என்ன எளவோ?

Me: its Amala Paul (i answered immediatly without being invited)...

The couple gave me an ugly stare in unison and i just wanted to shout " did i said இன்னிக்கி செத்தா நாளைக்கி பால் ?"

Him: why don’t u sing our favourite song? I am bored with this television.

Her: இப்ப வா??? போங்கனா…

Me: (where are my headsets?) MUTE

Him: hey பாட்ரீரீரீ?

Her: hmmmmm(with a prolonged sign of acceptance) seri..

She started aheming .. And god I have to stop it.

Me: THATHA.. நீங்க retire ஆகி எத்தன years ஆகுது?

Him: (gave me a sharp glance for interrupting his concerto) 25 years….(a little stubborn and pride in his baritone)

Me: ohh! More than my age? (and you are still alive?).. How many years it is since you are marr(i)ed? (clearing my throat to avoid conviction in my pronounciation)

Her: (started digging her face in shyness and gave the same look to her husband)

Him: (gave a laugh and) 70 years with 4 children 3 granddaughter and 2 grandson at your age.

I swiftly jumped into my analytical calculations and roughly figured their age of marriage. Probably he would have got married at 15 years when she was around 8 years or even less.

Thus I figured how Amala paul got into his black list.

He got married at the age when I was studying my 9th standard. I was just entering my adolescence and 70 years before he just reached its culmination. So his generation will never understand the feelings of this generation and it is of no use in proving him wrong when he is satisfied with all he has done in his life and spending the last few years with his better half.

Him: ( …with a wild laugh of satisfaction..) இந்த மாதிரி TV பாக்கிறத விட்டுட்டு அந்த பொண்ணு மாதிரி (pointing his index finger to the Marma Bangala girl ) படிச்சி முன்னேறனும்.

Me: Seri THATHA*

* I just wanted to square root it off

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


“கல்யானம் என்பது ஆயிரம் காலத்து பயிர்”

I am not sure who said this, but I can be so sure that this guy is a real geek with his anologies of litotes with பயிர்’s or whatever it is and I am just reciting his litanies.

If I remember correctly there is famous dialouge in a tamil movie stating the difference between a ring and THALI(auspicious thread for marriage in hindu customs). " We trial the ring but not the thread before buying "

But this blog is not about a Thali but a ring, a wedding ring. A Swedish ring. A carrot ring maybe.

Lena Paahlsson(dependant of husbandry) a Swedish consort taken off her white golden ring on a Christmas eve for baking her cakes in 1995. Unfortunately she lost her ring on the same day from the kitchen counters where she placed it.

She couldn’t identify its hideout even after pulling off her floorboards in the search. Paahlsson and her family gave up searching after months,

That was until October of this year, when she was picking her carrots in the garden. To her astonishment she was startled to one of her carrot glimmering.

She was flabbergasted when she found it again after 16 years circumscribing a carrot grown in her garden.

The family reckoned the ring might have fallen into the sink back in 1995 and been mixed with potato peels that were composted or fed to the sheep, since all the soil in the garden comes from composted vegetables and sheep dung.

The ring doesn’t fits Paahlsson, but it doesn’t matter.

"I had given up hope. Now that I have found the ring again ... I want to be able to use it," she said.

Maybe we should pardon her grammar.


PS: Plagiarised from Rite mail or diplomatically speaking inspired from

PPS: thank god there wasn’t any bugs bunny to filch the carrot.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


GOD? The word followed by a question mark means a lot.


What is a form followed by the function Where? And inadequacies in its evidence fosters atheist to fulminate against theistic annotations.

What if you can see God and get her blessings? What if the phenomenon of Fatalism is proved for its existence? What if humans were given the powers to select god and then worship her?

I write this blog as a souvenir and based on guided information. Other ludicrous drivels are just some of my musings.

Kumari is a living goddess. She is believed to possess Kali in her.
Now who is this Kumari?

Shakya caste of people are closely related to Kali. Any girl from Shakya caste will be selected through various process of testing and she will be considered as living Goddess. She is made to stay in Kumar House and not allowed outside except in times of festivals. She is believed to possess kali in her and people will praise her as god until her first menstruation. After that she loses her purity and Kali no longer stays in her as they believe. She will return back home and unite with their family.

What kinda selection process it is?
The selection process is conducted by five senior Buddhist Vajracharya Priest. They are called the Pancha Buddha and I am not sure Whether Bodhi Dharman falls under any of its category and Kodambakkam leaks says Murugudas is planning to venture 8th sense with Kumari as its protagonist with Sun Pictures featuring and TR’s music. TR has already started his africa composition with his hands and thighs as membrane and beard for percussion. I am sure he is perfect percussionist.

On the eve of 8th birthday 32 test were performed on Girls belonging to Shakya caste as a preliminary round.

She must be in excellent health, never should have shed blood or been afflicted by diseases. She should be a girl who never lost her teeth (please don’t ask about her milk teeth cos I donno).

The guide was excited when describing her selection process,

“ neck like conch shell

Body like banyan tree (I have no idea what it means)

Eyelashes like a cow

Thighs like a deer

Chest like lion

Voice like a duck

Blah blah….. his further euphemistic exclamations and metaphorical retorts sounded familiar to me. Yes Director Bhagyaraj would describe her heroine in his movies in one of its kind!

Black hair and dainty hands could boost her with extra marks.

The selected candidates were further filtered with their horoscope. It was more or like a rejection panel.

Finally a few picked out candidates were checked for serenity and fearlessness in the selection finale. On the “ kalratri or Black night” (of course all nights are black only) the finalist were taken into taleju temple and released into a courtyard where 108 buffaloes and goats were sacrificed. The most terrifying test is she has to spend a night alone in the courtyard. (if 6 to 7 guys were present they would have started with their Dhum Briyani preparation). If she is not showing fear then she is selected as Kumari.

She is neither allowed to leave the house nor to let her feet touch the ground.

Once in a day she will show her presence through a window to all devotes and taking her photograph is considered as a criminal offence.

 The bald headed guy with gasconading gesture was our guide. This fervent guy was too exited about his eloquence and at one point of time we lost our interest and he stood like a Banyan tree with “ Yaaru illa kadaiku yaaru da tea aathura ” annotations.

it has always been a strange fetish in doing the don'ts

This will be her house until she loses her purity.

I tried to peep into her room with my 21 X optical zoom.  

Kumari makes no exception

Ok! I accept it was a bad photography.

                             Hibiscus syriacus exclusively grown for her.  

The place where she flaunts her presence biennially

I left the place sadly as I couldn’t see a girl who is portrayed as living god.

But when I reached the road I saw a road side shopkeeper selling some images as a commercial by-product. To my astonishment they were selling kumari’s photo for money. Later I was consoled by the shopkeeper that she was ex-kumari and currently she was married with two children.

I took a snap of the snap and left place swiftly without listening to what the shop owner was chiding.

PS: I was immediately surrmounted by a battalion of military personnel with our Indian made Self loading Rifles(SLR) as I was accused of taking Kumari’s photograph. 

Alas with my power of eloquence i convinced them for a Facebook Wall Pic.

click pictures for an enlarged vision